Grandparents raising grandchildren in retirement villages
By Janet Brown, Head and Heart Ltd
"Growing up in a retirement village was my normal, and we made it work."
Isobel Harris-Clark doesn't remember a time when she didn't live with her grandparents in Summerset by the Ranges, Levin. Her earliest memories are of her grandparents reading to her in the lounge, and playing with her dolls house. She was just over two when Child, Youth and Family sent her south on a bus in the care of a social worker. Isobel's grandmother, Gwyneth Harris, collected her from the bus stop and took her home to her villa, and there Isobel stayed, until she left in 2019 to go to Otago University, where she is currently a third year student planning to embark on her Masters study next year. Child, Youth and Family attempted to resettle Isobel elsewhere when she was about five, because they thought a retirement village wasn't a suitable place for her to grow up, but her grandparents marshalled their case; affidavits of support for their parenting from within the village, the school, preschool and church, and across Levin finally convinced a Family Court judge that Isobel should stay where she was, and that was that.
Isobel's babyhood had been challenging: her mother Janine was an alcoholic, and her father was unable to provide the stability she needed at that time. When Janine was heading south to another residential rehab programme, Isobel came into her grandparents' care, though initially the care was all Gwyneth's responsibility. Isobel was so anxious because of her early experiences that she wouldn't stay alone in a room with her grandfather Cedric. But Cedric, a retired teacher like Gwyneth, gradually won her over with his patience, waiting till she was ready to come to him, and within months she began to trust him.
Gwyneth had raised six children, and in the village she nurtured Isobel within the same frameworks - love, routines, expectations and lots of activities. She remembers, "I knew Isobel needed routines to give her security. I got her into preschool three mornings a week to give her friends, and we did lots of activities - we went to plays and the pantomime, the circus, and library programmes, then as she got older she loved her dancing. When she was little I took her to meetings in her pushchair; she had books and snacks, she was always happy." On Sundays Isobel went to church, where she sat with Gwyneth in the choirstalls.
Isobel was also part of village life, going to all the events with her grandparents. Gwyneth remembers explaining, "Isobel, there are people here with wobbly legs and walkers, so you have to be careful and quiet." And she was, rapidly becoming the Christmas fairy and the Easter bunny's helper. Isobel tells me that she's still Santa's helper when she goes home for Christmas. Her great aunt and uncle also lived in the village; Isobel says "They were very gregarious, they ran all the events - St Patrick's and St Andrew's Day breakfasts, shared dinners, communal fireworks - and I loved getting involved. If I lost a tooth - especially the time I lost one at a potluck dinner - I got lots of coins from all the Tooth Fairies there."
Living in the village sometimes gave Isobel an edge over her schoolmates. The mini-golf course was a great drawcard for new school friends, and the villa was well-located, with lots of lawn space and trees nearby to play in. "We could practice gymnastics on the lawn - I had a bigger backyard than anyone else! One of the residents told me recently how much she enjoyed watching us practicing from her window - she'd been a gymnast herself. When we had school projects we'd always go back to our place to work on them. Nana would make us afternoon tea and we'd work at the dining room table."
Another bonus was that Isobel's best friend's grandmother lived in the village. Her friend would have breakfast with her grandmother then they'd walk to school together. Looking back, Isobel says, "Growing up in a retirement village was my normal, and we made it work. I loved hearing the residents' stories about their lives. One of my human geography papers at uni recently was about ways you can be discriminated against - sexism, racism, ageism - and that made me think about growing up in a retirement village and all I learned from that."
I asked Gwyneth whether she had to negotiate any special arrangements to keep Isobel in the village. She explained that, with Isobel arriving so unexpectedly, the then manager took the view that they should wait and see how things worked out. By the time the custody was permanent, Isobel had won everyone over and so the informal arrangement continued. There was one complaint to the CEO, who investigated and took the pragmatic view that Isobel had caused no bother and should stay. The current manager, Monique Hayes, says that Isobel is much loved by residents new and old, and her visits home are eagerly awaited.
The village provided security and continuity for Isobel when her mother, who she visited on Sunday afternoons, died, and more recently when Cedric died five years ago. She still loves her trips home to Summerset by the Ranges. Isobel explains, "It's different living in the village now, and many of the residents are no longer there, but I love seeing the ones that are. Coming home sporadically I do notice people ageing, being out of the village I see it more. I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I had, living in a retirement village wasn't detrimental at all. The village community was my wider family."
Milly French is only nine, but she has very similar views about the time she spends in Northbridge Residential Village on Auckland's North Shore. Milly's mother Rachel died when Milly was four, and since then she's spent every second weekend and much of her school holidays with her grandmother Carol and step-grandfather Dennis Thornbury. Carol says that Milly has made friends with all their neighbours, who are mainly women on their own: "People have been very welcoming, especially on our apartment floor. Our neighbours treat her like a friend, they look forward to seeing her. And there's so much to do - we swim in the pool, use the spa, walk around Tuff Crater, and go to the beach. Northbridge is informal and unfussy, so it's easy to have her here. It's her second home, and she feels safe here."
Milly agrees. "I love coming here and seeing all the lovely people here. I like going for walks, seeing the quails and other birds. At the allotments there's a little bush walk with weta houses, and when I went last time, one had spider's webs on it. And it's really fun in the pool. Gramps races me, and I make a little floaty house out of the pool noodles and Gramps pretends to be a leopard seal."
I ask Milly about the difference between living in her father's house and her grandparents' apartment. She tells me: "It's quite different to come to the apartment, it's bigger than my house and I like the way Granny has a rubbish chute so we don't have to do the bins and mow the lawns. It's really nice and quiet out on the balcony. At Christmas people decorate their doors and railings, and Ross, who delivers the mail, puts tinsel on his mobility scooter basket, it's lots of fun. We give the neighbours on our level Christmas baskets with fudge and biscuits."
As growing up in a retirement village did for Isobel, Carol says going to village functions like barbeques and afternoon teas has given Milly confidence talking with older people and she looks forward to these events. "It makes her feel grown up, being part of an adult community. On balance I think it's been very good for her."
While these arrangements are still relatively uncommon, it's clear that with goodwill on all sides they can be made to work for the families concerned and for other residents. They give a taste of multi-generational living in an older community, and it's probable that having a child around regularly goes some way to filling the gap for residents whose grandchildren don't live nearby. Isobel and Milly are living proof that it can indeed take a village - even a retirement village - to raise a child.